An Amazing Weekend, in Reverse
This past weekend was one of those “I’m sure glad we can do this!” kinds of weekends, a time when the little ones want to spend all day with Grandma and Grandpa, from as early as four a.m. when the first grandkid wakes up to play, having awoken only two hours after the last night owl has fallen asleep. For two hours, the house was silent as its inhabitants enjoyed a peaceful time of quiet. Two hours of restful sleep at night is not a statistic that makes “those sleep doctors” happy.
Nonetheless, I’m not here to talk about sleep and sleep studies. I’ll do that another time.
I want to write about the joys of being a grandparent. There are many positive things about having a grandchild (or being a grandparent). One of the blessings is that you are not the parent (unless, of course, your role is defined as a replacement for an absentee parent; if so, then most of what I’m writing here may not be relevant to your situation).
The age of, and the accumulated experience base of, the seniors in our families are significant. See, it’s like this. I raised four kids who are now well-functioning adults, each over the age of thirty. You are approaching the ten-year birthday of your oldest. You have no clue yet what you will face when your child is a teenager, or what college will be like then, or what the job and housing markets will be like when added to the mix. As a parent, you are too close to the child to see the vision of what that child will be in ten, twenty years. You see the daily events and–even when you want to forecast and try to pay attention–it’s really hard to predict what your child might become in another twenty years when you haven’t been there yet yourself.
The worn axiom says that at the end of the day, grandparents can give their grandkids back to the parents. That’s so true. Ultimately, the grandparents are not responsible for their grandkids’ conduct. Well, that’s not true.
Okay … STOP! I know it’s hard to understand my writing because I just read it and I barely understand what I’m trying to say here.
What I intended to say was this: Parents can get frustrated because their little ones have various behavior issues: they hit other kids; they tease other kids; they get teased by other kids (for whatever odd reasons); they can’t seem to focus on a task like picking up their toys; or they get too focused on picking up their toys; they get sucked into the television set; or they’re reading too much (if that’s possible). They scream, they wet their pants, they won’t eat their breakfast eggs; or they will eat only ice cream. And their diapers explode (by some definition) at exactly the wrong time.
It’s hard to be a parent and not get frustrated at one or more of those things. Have you ever found yourself thinking or saying any of these?
- Will the tantrums never end? Shhhh!
- Sit still! Be quiet! You’re going to wake everybody in the house.
- No, we’re staying outside today because we have to keep the house clean for tonight’s dinner party.
- No, it’s too hot outside, so you’re going to play inside.
- Put your sweater on; it’s cold outside.
- Be careful with that sweater; your great aunt made it herself.
- Finish your plate; you’re gonna waste away to nothing!
- No, you may not have a second bowl of ice cream; you don’t want to end up like so-and-so who can’t fit into his pants.
It’s MUCH easier to see those issues from a grandparent’s viewpoint.
- I remember the (as in, “your”) tantrums. They do subside, usually. You eventually became embarrassed by your various fits, and you outgrew them.
- I remember your restlessness. Sunday mornings, Sunday School was your peak time. You couldn’t sit still. That was when your Sunday School teacher (me) took you out in the hallway for a ten-minute timeout and (what was I thinking) ended up getting you interested in the tuba. You later played tuba in the high school band (and you continued playing through college marching band).
- Asking a child to keep a room, or himself/herself, clean is analogous to locking a grizzly bear in your kitchen for twenty-four hours and expecting the room to remain clean and unscathed. It doesn’t (ever) happen.
- Children have no regard for family heirlooms or things artistic that most/many parents appreciate. Clothing will get stained, ripped, torn, or shredded; it just happens. The concept of knitting clothing (or toys) for an infant or toddler seems a little bizarre. Blankets might be okay, but don’t expect them to last a long time.)
- Children can tolerate cold weather better than we expect. They’re like little space heaters that walk (or run).
- Children don’t tolerate heat as much as we think they do. This may be one of my own shortcomings. I recall the days (as an adult) of running during lunch every day (Monday through Friday), even on the hottest of days. I reveled in that; I soaked in the heat and loved it. My hottest run day was 108F at 1pm. I took a late lunch and spent it on a long run (10K). My coldest day was -12F (yes, minus twelve) in Iowa. I ran 8 miles that day. It was brutal, but I felt great afterward. That has changed in recent years. Parkinson’s changed my internal thermometer significantly. I sweat like a horse (or pig?) now when I’m outside doing anything while humidity is in the air. I developed Raynaud’s disease, where my hands and feet go numb at even the mention of chilly weather. It doesn’t have to even be at freezing before my hands lose all sensitivity. And — especially, I think, in cool/moderate temps (e.g., 40 or 50)–my fingers will turn white, sometimes with pain searing through the fingertips. Not fun.
Anyway, I say all this with the intent of showing that parents get only this short-term, immediate response; and they know what (disciplinary) actions they need to take (else, heavens!, my child may turn out like so-and-so) in the short term. But, they don’t see how it plays out long term. That’s where advanced, senior-aged grandparents may be able to step up and offer (sometimes not sought but valuable) advice.
God, on the other hand is in some ways like the grandparent who can look at the child’s behavior and He knows that the child has this certain capacity and ability, and whatever he (the child) is going through and making the parent experience is part of something that will help the child grow and develop and that it’s all for good in the long run. Incidentally, this is part of the parent’s training as well.
Remember, Dad took me fishing, not so that I would learn patience, but so that he would.
Grandparents get that even when parents don’t.
A grandparent’s view may not be perfect, but the “age thing” provides the opportunity that the grandparent may be able to offer some insight that the less-aged parent might not see. Parents, don’t discard the words of an old fogey. Consider them as words from someone who’s been around the block a couple more times than you have.
A parent hears a screaming child and says, “When will this nightmare ever stop?”
A grandparent hears the same screaming and says, “Now this is the voice of one who may someday cry out, “The British are coming!” or “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” or “Worthy is the Lamb that was Slain.”
Just a thought.
Whatcha think?